final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
