Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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