Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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