i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Randomize
