you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
