it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
