So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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