Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
