Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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