Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
