Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
