Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
