in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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