Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
