I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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