that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
