I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Is this like a preordered booty call?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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