She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
