i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
