One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We got so high we made milksteak
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Randomize
