hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
