my mouth tastes like poor choices
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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