He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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