i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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