the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
