I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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