I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
