Church boner. Awkwardddd
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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