is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
