I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
