I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
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