Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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