we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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