after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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