So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
