i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
