clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
