put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
A+ Viking dick
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
false alarm, still single
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
