I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
