I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
