OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
this just has baby written all over it
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
me + whiskey = a bad person
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
