Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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