My entire life is one complicated drinking game
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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