Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
