he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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