i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I pour the whiskey from now on
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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