Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
