I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
