I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
