Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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